... CHICO, NEXT STOP! CHICO, CALIFORNIA ...
CHICO?!? ACCORDING TO THE SCHEDULE WE SHOULD BE HALF-WAY THROUGH OREGON BY NOW!
WE WERE JUST PULLING INTO SAN JOSE WHEN WE WENT TO BED. WE'VE ONLY MOVED 200 MILES IN THE LAST EIGHT HOURS!
AT THIS RATE WE'RE SURE TO BE SPENDING ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT IN THIS RATTLING TIN CAN BEFORE WE GET HOME TO SEATTLE ...
MAYBE EVEN TWO NIGHTS ...
OH, MY ACHING HEAD ...
?!?
OUR INITIAL TRIP DOWN THE WEST COAST WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE THIRTY-SIX HOURS, BUT WE PULLED INTO L.A. AT 3AM, SIX HOURS BEHIND SCHEDULE.
SOME "VIEW" ...
WE'VE BEEN STARING AT THAT PILE OF SCRAP METAL FOR AN HOUR!
THE "OBSERVATION DECK"
THE DELAYS WERE USUALLY BLAMED ON ONCOMING FREIGHT TRAINS, MOST OF WHICH WEREN'T MOVING FOR NEVER EVEN MATERIALIZED.
OUR RETURN TRIP HAD EVEN MORE DELAYS--ONE OF WHICH WAS BLAMED ON A ROAD CREW WHOSE EQUIPMENT WAS BLOCKING THE TRACK ...
?!? WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
DID THOSE TRACTORS MOVE THEMSELVES?
BUT WHEN WE PASSED BY THERE WAS NO CREW!
THESE ENDLESS DELAYS COMPOUNDED OTHER PROBLEMS, WHICH ADDED TO AMTRAK'S OWN OBLIGATIONS AND EXPENSES ...
WE'RE GONNA MISS OUR CONNECTING TRAIN TO SPOKANE ...
ONLY YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT FOR SIX HOURS FOR THE DRIVER TO SHOW UP.
THEY ALSO MEANT MORE MEALS HAD TO BE SERVED THAN HAD BEEN PLANNED FOR ...
EXCUSE ME--IS THERE A SAFEWAY NEARBY?
WHICH MEANT MORE UNSCHEDULED STOPS 50 THE CHEF COULD RUN INTO TOWN TO BUY MORE FOOD!
AS THESE PROBLEMS MOUNTED, SOME OF THE CREW GOT A BIT DEFENSIVE ...
WHAT TIME WILL WE BE PULLING INTO PORTLAND NOW?
10 P.M., JUST LIKE THE SCHEDULE SAYS.
BUT IT'S ALREADY 10:30 ...
I SAID 10 P.M.! CASE CLOSED!
OTHER CREWMEMBERS REMAINED AMIABLE, EVEN THOUGH (OR PERHAPS BECAUSE?) THEY SEEMED BORDERLINE RETARDED ...
CAN ANYONE GUESS WHAT KIND OF WINE THIS IS?
IT TASTES LIKE A SAUVIGNON BLANC ...
WRONG! IT'S A "SAW-VIG-NON BLANK.
GOTHCA!
BUT, I--OH, NEVER MIND ...
THESE DELAYS ALSO MEANT MORE "QUALITY TIME" WITH THE OTHER PASSENGERS, WHO WERE QUITE A STORY IN AND OF THEMSELVES:
JERRY SPRINGER LADY
... SO THEN MY METH-ADDICT SISTER ACCUSES ME OF MOLESTING HER! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT?
SWEET OLD BIRD, UNTIL SHE STARTS DRINKING
OH DEAR. THAT'S A TOUGH BREAK ALL RIGHT.
EUROTRASH PHILOSOPHER HIPPIE
ALL YOU NEED IN THEEZ VORLD EEZ LUFF. WHO NEEDS MONEY? NOT ME!
DESPERATE TO MAKE FRIENDS
REALLY? HOW'D YOU GET ON THI TRAIN, THEN?
NO WAY WAS SHE FROM VICTORIA MINNESOTA! KNOW WHY? 'CUZ THERE'S NO SUCH PLACE! GET ME AN ATLAS AND I'LL PROVE TI!
CATATONIC MARINE CADET
AMTRAK LIKES TO PROMOTE THE COMMUNAL NATURE OF RIDING THE RAILS, BUT MAN, WHAT A "COMMUNITY"!
WHY WAS I ON THIS TOONERVILLE TROLLEY IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU ASK? BECAUSE OF MY DAUGHTER'S EARS. THEY GIVE HER A LOT OF TROUBLE WHEN SHE FLIES, SO WE DECIDED TO TAKE THE "COAST STARLIGHT" TO CALIFORNIA INSTEAD ...
BABY I LOVE U--
THE TRAIN'S BRAKES
"HITCH" ON V.C.R.
BESIDES, AMTRAK'S WEB SITE MADE IT'S FIRST CLASS SECTION LIKE A HOTEL ON WHEELS. THEY EVEN HAVE AN "ENTERTAINMENT CENTER" ... OF SORTS ...
[ILLUSTRATION OMMITED]
AMTRAK'S DEFENDERS CLAIM THAT IT'S BECAUSE OF PEOPLE WHO CAN'T FLY THAT LONG-DISTANCE RAIL SERVICE IS A NECESSITY SINCE BUSES DON'T HAVE SLEEPER CARS ...
STILL, MOST PASSENGER RODE COACH FOR THE ENTIRE TRIP AND PROBABLY SLEPT AS WELL AS WE DID (AND FOR ONE-TENT THE COST).
THE REAL REASON AMTRAK'S INTER-CITY SERVICE EXISTS IS SIMPLY TO APPEASE PEOPLE WHO HAVE A "THING" FOR TRAINS.
THERE GOES THE "ZEPHYA" ...
RIGHT ON TIME FOR A CHANGE, TOO!
--OOH! A RUSTING COAL CHUTE!
I GOTTA TAKE A PICTURE!
IN FACT, THE FIRST CLASS-SECTION OF OUR TRAIN CONSISTED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF THESE RAILROAD "BUFFS."
THESE (MOSTLY OLDER WHITE MALE) BUFFS WILL FORGIVE AMTRAK ALMOST ANYTHING, AS THEY PRATTLE ON ENDLESSLY ABOUT THE "ROMANCE" OF RIDING THE RAILS ...
ISN'T THIS ROMANTIC? I FEEL LIKE I'M IN AN OLD MOVIE?
AND SO WHAT IF WE'RE RUNNING LATE? I'M IN NO RUSH!
AND I'M LATE FOR MY DAUGHTER'S WEDDING, YOU SMUG RETIRED JERK!
THESE "RAILROADIANS" ADHERE TO ONE SIMPLE SOLUTION TO ALL OF AMTRAK'S WOES: MORE GOVERNMENT FUNDING.
WHOA! THESE TRACKS ARE IN BAD SHAPE ...
IT'S NOTHING THAT MORE FEDERAL DOLLARS COULDN'T CURE ...
--OOH! THERE GOES THE "SAN JOAQUIN."!
APPARENTLY THE MEANING OF THE PHRASE "THROWING GOOD MONEY AFTER BAD" HAS NEVER SUNK IN WITH THESE OLD-TIMERS.
HERE'S MY SOLUTION: MAKE THESE TRAIN LOVERS PAY THE FULL COST OF TRAVELING LOND-DISTANCE BY RAIL, RATHER THAN MAKE TRAIN AVOIDERS (IE: 99% OF THE U.S. PUBLIC) FOOT MOST OF THE BILL.
I INSIST ON TAKING THE TRAIN FROM DISNEYLAND TO DISNEYWORLD ...
AND I DEMAND THAT YOU PAY FOR TWO-THIRDS OF MY TICKET PRICE! *
THAT WAY WE'LL FIND OUT HOW MUCH THESE NOSTALGIC OLD COOTS REALLY LOVE THEIR CHOO-CHOO TRAINS!
LONG DISTANCE TRAIN SERVICE HAS NEVER BEEN PROFITABLE. EVEN IN THE PRE-AMTRAK DAYS RAIL LINES OFFERED RURAL AND CROSS-COUNTRY PASSENGER SERVICE BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT FORCED THEM TO ...
WE SHOULD BE ARRIVING IN BILLINGS IN ... OH, A MONTH OR SO ...
THIS LEGAL BURDEN ONLY GOT MORE EXPENSIVE WITH THE ADVENT OF AIRLINES AND HIGHWAYS, AND RAIL SERVICE DETERIORATED GREATLY AS A RESULT.
COMMUNITIES AND TRAVELERS WITH A (PSYCHOLOGICAL MORE THAN LITERAL) DEPENDENCE ON RAIL SERVICE PANICKED AT THE THOUGHT OF ITS DEMISE AND LOBBIED THE FEDS TO "DO SOMETHING" ...
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO NATIONALIZE PASSENGER TRAINS, MR. PRESIDENT?
FEN. THAT INDUSTRY'S DYING, ANYWAY ...
I JUST DON'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN ON MY WATCH.
NOT WANTING TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR KILLING THE CHOO-CHOO, THE NIXON ADMINISTRATION PUT INTER-CITY TRAIN SERVICE ON LIFE SUPPORT, AND THUS, AMTRAK WAS BORN.
BUT ONE SOMETHING BECOMES A GOVERNMENT PROGRAM IT NEVER DIES, AND JUST WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE AMTRAK IS HEADING FOR THE SCRAP HEAP ITS BACKERS WILL USE SOME CRISIS LIKE THE OIL EMBARGO OR 9/11 TO DECLARE ITS EXISTENCE VITAL TO OUR "NATIONAL INTEREST" ...
... IT APPEARS AMTRAK ACHIEVED NONE OF ITS GOALS SET OUT IN YOUR OWN MANDATE--
WHAT ABOUT 9/11?!
OR ARE YOU GOING TO FORCE PEOPLE TO FLY?!
AMTRAK'S RIDERSHIP DID GO UP AFTER THESE EVENTS, BUT SO DID THAT OF BUSES ...
IN FACT, FOR EVERY PERSON WHO TAKES A TRAIN TO ANOTHER CITY, FIVE HUNDRED PEOPLE TAKE A BUS FOR THE SAME PURPOSES!
MEANWHILE, MORE PEOPLE PASS THROUGH A MAJOR U.S. AIRPORT IN ONE DAY THAN USE AMTRAK IN AN ENTIRE YEAR ...
SO FAR FROM BEING A "VITAL." PART OF MASS TRANSIT; AMTRAK IS A MERE DROP IN THE BUCKET!
IRREFUTABLE ARGUMENTS FOR KILLING AMTRAK HAVE BEEN PRESENTED TIME AND AGAIN, INCLUDING THIS PAST YEAR TO THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION ...
AMTRAK NOW CONCEDES IT WILL NEVER BREAK EVEN. THIS ADMISSION OF FAILURE OF ONE OF ITS FOUNDING MISSIONS IS REASON ALONE TO LIQUIDATE AMTRAK IMMEDIATELY ...
ITS FEW PROFITABLE LINES COULD EASILY BE PRIVATIZED. THE REMAINING LINES COULD BE SUBSIDIZED BY THE STATES IF THEY CHOSE TO ...
I SAY WE DO WHAT WE ALWAYS DO ...
... DENOUNCE THEM, AND THEN GIVE THEN MORE MONEY.
MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE "COAST STARLIGHT, 1 OVERHEADED A CONDUCTOR PASS THE BUCK RE. YET ANOTHER DELAY ...
DON'T BLAME US. THIS IS UNION PACIFIC'S FAULT ...
YOU SHOULD WRITE TO THEM, AND TELL THEM TO GIVE US THE RIGHT OF WAY!
YEAH, LET'S TELL THEM HOW TO RUN THEIR OWN COMPANY! AND SO WHAT THAT THEY WEREN'T THE ONES WHO SOLD US TICKETS BASED ON A BOGUS "SCHEDULE"!
NOT ONLY ARE FREIGHT TRAINS MORE PROFITABLE FOR RAIL LINES, BUT SCRAP METAL DOESN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT DELAYS' OR WOBBLY TRACKS ...
GRRR ... ROAD HOGS!
IN FACT, THE AMERICAN RAIL SYSTEM WOULD WORK JUST FINE IF IT WEREN'T FOR THOSE STUBBORN HUMANS CLOGGING UP THE TRACKS!
P. Bagge '05 (peterbagge@earthlink.net)
COPYRIGHT 2005 Reason Foundation
COPYRIGHT 2006 Gale Group
